Hey angel, thank you for being here. For those of you who had gotten used to me releasing a blog post every Sunday evening, I'm sorry I haven't been posting. For the past 5 weeks, I've been in the throws of a mixed episode and been unwell. I had to take 4 weeks off work, quit my second job and I've not had the brain capacity to sit down to write a post. This post is going to be the most honest one I have written.
Over a month ago now, my stability started to deteriorate and I knew I was going into an episode. Initially, I thought I was entering a depressive phase as my mood was low and everything was seeming to get to me. I had a very low tolerance for socialising with people who don't understand my condition and work was becoming overwhelmingly stressful. I was extremely irritable making any social situation anxiety-inducing. My anger (when it hit) was out of control and I ended up self-harming multiple times to try and release some of this anger, to no avail.
For me, my mixed episode was characterized by feelings of irritability, impulsivity, coming up with lots of new projects, reckless spending and at times drinking too much. However, on the flip of this, I was also struggling to get out of bed and was having difficulty carrying out simple tasks to look after myself. Some of my relationships were suffering because of my behaviour and I was spiralling.
My mum arranged an appointment with my consultant who confirmed that I was in the middle of a mixed episode. She told me a mixed episode is the most dangerous, as you have these negative thoughts/plans with the energy to act on them impulsively. She validated my experiences, whilst offering reassurance as she understands how much my behaviours upset me after the fact. She reminded me I'm not well, I'm a good person and I wasn't acting this way 'just because'. This really relieved a lot of pent up guilt and self-loathing and allowed me to see the episode for what it was.
After my appointment, I instantly felt better, as I was previously being chewed up and spat out by my illness, with no real idea of what was going on. I was experiencing behaviours I'd never experienced before. I was being reckless, without realising I was being reckless. My consultant named everything I was experiencing and this was really helpful both for me and my mum.
My mum struggled to understand that I was experiencing a high as opposed to a low, due to the majority of my behaviours, and the fact I was experiencing suicidal thoughts. I was a little confused myself but had heard about mixed episodes so I took the time to read about it and how best to handle myself during a mixed episode.
Since the beginning of this week, I've been in a hypomanic state and have been investing everything into my projects outside of work. I was waking up at 4am every morning because I was so excited about my projects. Luckily, because of my medication, I've been able to manage my hypomanic episode as best as I can, and have focused on sleeping and resting, without getting too excited about my projects and there doesn't seem to be as much urgency in everything I do, which I'm really grateful for.
I want to be really honest on this blog so that other people who are suffering from their mental illnesses can feel less alone. Up until now, I've posted quite upbeat and educational posts to help others understand people with mental illnesses and people with mental illnesses to understand themselves better, but I can't ignore the fact that I'm also mentally unwell, and sharing these experiences can help others who might need it.
If you find yourself in a mixed episode, please reach out to your loved ones and healthcare professionals, because the impact of a mixed episode can hit you financially, mentally and physically. Create a safety plan with the ones you trust, and read up on mixed episodes and how to manage them. Spend time with your friends and family doing things you want to do, within reason and keep yourself safe.
Thank you so much for being here. Please feel free to follow me on Instagram (@_thebword__) or get in touch via the contact form below. You can now also buy a mental health bracelet from my online shop to wear your mental health with pride.
Lots of love,
Tilly x
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Monday to Friday, 9.30 am to 4 pm)
Website: www.rethink.org
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone:Â 116 123Â (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk