Trigger Warning: SH and Suicide.
Hey angel. Firstly, thank you for being here and taking the time to read this post. Secondly, I want to apologise for being M.I.A for so long. I haven’t been well enough to post at the rate I was initially, due to being in the throws of a mixed episode.
Before we get into this post, I wanna take the time to discuss how a mixed episode affects me specifically, as a mixed episode can present differently for people dealing with bipolar. I hope by me laying these items down you can feel safe to reflect on your own experiences with a mixed episode and keep an eye out for any similarities.
While explaining to a friend today what a mixed episode feels like, I said “my head runs at a rate I can’t keep up with“. This leads to forgetfulness, impulsivity and confusion. From this comes overspending, anger, and increased anxiety.
One thing I find can suffer from this is
my relationships with others. Especially the relationship I have with my mum, as we live together and I can be a nightmare at times. Another thing that suffers is the work I do to become financially stable/comfortable due to the impulse to spend money I just don’t have.
Unfortunately, as you can probably tell by the title, a mixed episode has both the high and the low so the risks of suicide and self harm
are still very much present. The difference here, to a depressive episode, is that the high gives you the energy to act on these thoughts, making this the most dangerous episode to experience.
Here are the steps I’ve taken to help reach a more stable mood and work through some
of the mess my mixed episode has made.
Medication
I’ll start with this as it’s the most recent and easiest step I’ve taken. For those of you still finding the right mix of medication that lives best alongside your bipolar, I will list the medication I take daily.
Duloxetine (antidepressant) - 120MG
Promethazine (to manage anxiety) - 100MG
Aripiprazole (mood stabiliser/anti psychotic) - 15MG
I altered my dose of Duloxetine by halving it (taking my consultants advice) so I now take 60MG of Duloxetine daily. The reason for this is because an antidepressant is there to increase the amount of serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine your brain produces, reducing the risk of depression and anxiety, but when you’re hypomanic/manic taking too high a dose of an antidepressant can prolong the high or make you higher, potentially leading to psychosis.
Budgeting
This month I made the decision, alongside
my mum, to get my wages paid into her account. This is so we can budget
my money together to stop me
spending money I don’t have and make
me more aware of the money I do have. I also took my cards off Apple Pay to stop impulsive buys and to make it harder for me to purchase things online.
Therapy
I haven’t been stable enough for therapy for a while now, however I had a telephone assessment last week and was told I am now well enough and have put on a waiting list.
As I don’t have the space in therapy just yet I made my bedroom a safe space a long time ago. This means I am able to self reflect and assess my behaviours and thoughts. This isn’t easy and has taken time and practice and I did this by reading up on my illness and getting to know her well. I try to observe my thoughts and allow them to pass instead of them clinging onto me.
I’d like to leave you with something a mental health practitioner said to me which is ”Bipolar will be with you for the rest of your life. Respect it, let it walk alongside you, don’t ever let it consume you.“ Thank you so much for being here. Please feel free to get in touch with me on Instagram (@_thebword__) or via the contact form below. You can now also buy self soothe items on my online shop under the Shop section of my blog. Feel free to take a look.
Lots of love,
Tilly x
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Monday to Friday, 9.30 am to 4 pm)
Website: www.rethink.org
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk