Hello my angels, thank you so much for being here. This blog post is all about getting to know me, my mental health, and hopefully helping you along the way! I also want to say a HUGE thank you to my followers, friends, and family for the questions in tonight's post.
With that, let's get into this Q&A.
When did you find out you have Bipolar?
After a long two years of being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I was finally diagnosed by a private psychiatrist in August of 2019. I can honestly say being diagnosed on that day changed the direction of my life. I finally had an answer to what I was dealing with and knew how to move forward in terms of treatment and managing symptoms.
Can you feel an episode coming on, or does it just hit you?
This is a difficult one because as I'm becoming more aware of my symptoms and how an episode manifests itself into my life I feel I'm learning more, but I haven't had the chance to witness an episode coming on since, as I've been stable (which I am so unbelievably grateful for). In the past, my episodes have made no sense to me or those around me and I wasn't aware they were episodes of hypomania or depression. They can definitely sweep me off my feet and take me by surprise. I would say the first signs of a depressive episode are usually losing interest in things I usually like doing, and feelings of worthlessness. The first signs of a hypomanic episode for me include increased motivation to create and a big old spring in my step.
Do you have any triggers? If so, what are they?
Identifying my triggers is something I really struggle with but one I am sure of is work, for a couple of reasons. One reason is that I base a lot of my self worth and value on how hard I work, due to a strong work ethic being instilled into me growing up (which I wouldn't change for the world). I put a lot into my work as a support worker and learning support assistant because I love to care and support, but I also almost always feel like I'm not doing my job well enough. I am a perfectionist and hold high expectations of myself, and despite being told I'm great at both jobs, I'm always striving to do better. If I ever need to take a mental health day this can have a terrible impact on my mood and sometimes send me spiraling deeper into my depression.
I also really struggle to be around people and in social situations, with those who don't know me and my issues well. The stress of being around people alone is enough to make me need to take a mental health day or just have a good cry. This is amplified by the feeling I have to stay strong in my roles at work and put on a brave face, so a lot of my feelings get suppressed until I'm home. Suppressing my feelings is unhealthy, and can drain me, leaving me vulnerable to a depressive episode.
Can your boyfriend notice when an episode is coming on?
I had a little chat with him and this is what he came up with! He explained that sometimes the music I'm listening to will express how I'm feeling and my general vibe. My symptoms show themselves in dribs and drabs at first, before becoming full-blown. He can also tell due to events in my life, such as an argument with my mum, as this tends to happen when I'm in a depressive episode. He also identified my pressured speech and the tempo/pattern in the way I talk to him, as it's more erratic and fast-paced. Lastly the way I frame things will change. I can experience the same kind of day two completely different ways. For example, I go to work and have a fairly busy day. In a depressive episode, this is extremely intense for me and I view it very negatively. During a hypomanic episode, I'd view this lightheartedly and feel accomplished!
I want to say a big thank you to my boyfriend for taking the time to answer this! I love you.
What do you do differently since being diagnosed with Bipolar?
Wow. So many things.
Firstly, I drink a lot less, as I know this can exacerbate symptoms.
I observe and review my behaviour/feelings regularly to try and manage my symptoms and illness. I do it a little too much currently, but I'm learning to also let things lie. I'm a human being first and foremost, some things are going to make me sad, some things are going to make me happy - nothing more, nothing less.
I also view my journey differently. Before my diagnosis, I was stuck in the same cycle of being treated for the wrong illness, talking to doctors who wouldn't listen and feeling things would never get better. Now I know things can and always will get better. Sometimes you have to ride the wave, no matter how big.
How did your diagnosis change your outlook on life, then and now?
At the time of my diagnosis, despite the relief, I struggled a lot with coming to terms with the fact I had a life long illness. One I could potentially pass on to my children. My outlook on my future changed, I felt I had to reconsider certain career paths, my relationship, whether I wanted children etc.
Now, I feel as though my illness may pull me back sometimes but it will never hold me back completely. I'm now medicated correctly with a mood stabiliser, an antidepressant and anxiety medication. This has relieved my symptoms massively over a long period of time and things have become easier. I have optimism now, which is something I lacked greatly when first diagnosed.
Do you think your diagnosis influences your life choices?
Completely!
So as I stated earlier, I drink less. This is something I still battle with a little as I do enjoy drinking. I don't think I know a 25-year-old woman who doesn't! However, I have to be realistic and realise my experience as a 25-year-old will be different from the average young adult. I have to be careful with who and what I surround myself with. I've lost friends, as I realised they unfortunately no longer fit with how I wanted to live my life. I have to look after myself and keep myself safe and the way I spend my time reflects this. You will almost never catch me out partying unless I am with the closest of friends for a special occasion.
How did you deal with knowing you had to put a lot of work in to help yourself?
This is something that I eventually faced with open arms. I think self-improvement is awesome and getting the right help and going to therapy etc is all part and parcel of that. I also just reminded myself that my future depended on how I managed that period of my life. If I didn't go to therapy, or medicate myself how would my life look? How would my children turn out? Who would still be left in my life? I owed it to the young girl who had dreams and goals for herself before she got sick. I had to find love for myself to feel worthy enough to fight.
How do you keep the motivation to actively help yourself?
Similar to my last answer, thinking about what I want for myself and my future. I also think about what kind of mother I want to be for my children and how important it is to help myself now for when that time comes.
What made you decide to start blogging?
Not being able to find any personal information on Bipolar when I googled it for advice/information. I really struggled to find anything but professional/NHS pages explaining the symptoms, causes and treatment (you know the ones). I want to be a place people can come for education, but also community. To feel less alone. That's why my Instagram
(@_thebword__) is super important to me. I have an intimate super special community on there where people can seek support from me or my followers, and that just makes me so happy.
What made you decide to start making mental health bracelets?
I'm really open about my mental health but I realise a lot of people struggle to be. After hiding my mental health issues for so long, I now firmly believe your mental health issues are nothing to be ashamed of, under no circumstances. I wanted to share that strength with others, to normalise mental illnesses/conditions and to help empower others by wearing their mental health with pride. My best friend bought a bracelet as she has Postnatal Depression and she said the most beautiful thing to me. She said "I feel like I'm wearing my Postnatal Depression, it's not wearing me" and that's something I want for everybody struggling.
What is the most important thing you do for your own mental health?
Self-care. Self-care comes in many different shapes and sizes but for me, it looks like spending time alone or spending time with those closest to me. Spending time watching Netflix, in the bath, in bed. Being surrounded by candles/fairy lights. Listening to relaxing music and making my bracelets for you lovely bunch!
Again, thank you so much for being here. Please feel free to follow me on Instagram (@_thebword__) or get in touch via the contact form below. You can now also buy a mental health bracelet from my online shop to wear your mental health with pride.
Lots of love,
Tilly x
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Monday to Friday, 9.30 am to 4 pm)
Website: www.rethink.org
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone:Â 116 123Â (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk