I am Bipolar type 2, which means I experience depressive and hypomanic episodes. People with Bipolar type 1 experience depressive and manic episodes. Although the symptoms of mania and hypomania are very similar, mania is more severe. The symptoms of mania interfere with people's everyday life and in more extreme cases can cause hospitalisation due to their symptoms being more extreme.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 and traits of Borderline Personality Disorder in August 2019 which marked the beginning of my road to recovery. Up until this point, for over a year prior, I was being treated for depression and anxiety, which wasn't easing my symptoms but exacerbating them. I had experienced my deepest depression in July of 2018, spending months genuinely believing the only way I would ever feel better would be by killing myself. There was literally less colour in the world, everything visually had a grey tint to it. I'd experienced symptoms of depression in the past but never like this. I'd gotten used to suppressing my depressive symptoms but it eventually became severe enough for me to have to look at my depression instead of hiding it.
Let's start with the nitty-gritty. Here's what Bipolar- depression, feels like for me.
Bipolar Depression
I'd like to start by saying I wouldn't wish depression on anybody. The effect depression can have on somebody can be life-threatening. To me, depression feels like a weight. My head will physically feel heavier when I'm experiencing a depressive episode. My head is full and swirling. Simple tasks are so much harder to do. Putting on a pair of socks is exhausting. My outlook on life is negative, with no exceptions. I feel as though everything I witness throughout the day provokes a negative thought path in my brain and that includes the way I talk to myself. My self-esteem hits rock bottom along with my motivation to do anything. I don't enjoy the things that I love. The things that usually soothe me become torturous and seemingly pointless attempts at making myself feel better.
When I am depressed I will withdraw from everybody, including the people closest to me. I'll decline any offers to go out or do anything with them. I avoid visits or people attempting to cheer me up because I know their loving effort to do so is futile and I don't want to let them down. I find it difficult to hold a conversation when I need to and I can't seem to find a light in anything. I sleep a lot to escape the reality of the situation and feel like a burden to others. I feel lost and detached from everything. I feel worthless and alone.
It's at this stage that, these days - momentarily, I feel as though I'll never get better and this will last forever. Over time, and having experienced multiple depressive episodes, the symptoms have less of a hold on me. I remind myself that this will pass and it's just a temporary feeling. This helps me to manage and look past the issues I'm faced with. I can also happily say that after being on my medication for a prolonged period of time now - my depressive episodes are less severe and I have more room to think.
Bipolar Hypomania
The best way to describe it is relief from the symptoms of depression. I wake up feeling excited about the day ahead of me, all of the little things I get to do throughout the day. I start to feel extremely confident in myself and my abilities, coming up with business ideas, projects, superficially acting on this (before losing the momentum and enthusiasm after my episode ends). Sometimes I can talk rapidly (pressured speech), almost as though I can't get my words out quickly enough to best reflect all of the ideas I'm having. My mum, who lives with me, will notice I can become fidgety and agitated. I experience the need to be doing something at all times. I'm suddenly super motivated ready to take on the world.
During a hypomanic episode, I can become very sociable. I get excited to see family and friends again. I thrive off social situations as I have so much to say and I'm really invested in the conversations that I have. I don't need to sleep or eat as much and it's almost as if I see the world through rose-tinted glasses. Everything is spectacular. Even the small stuff.
In the past, this has been the time where I want to dive headfirst into the idea/project I have started, however, my medication and reflection has allowed me to remember to pace myself while I feel this way, so I can keep ahold of any idea/project and bring that into the future with me when I'm not experiencing an episode.
I am still learning how to recognise these episodes in myself, as it's usually the people closest to me who notice a change in me. I feel the more I learn about my episodes and how they manifest themselves in my day to day life, the more control I will have over them. As opposed to being consumed by my episodes - I will be able to observe them.
Bipolar is a very real mental illness and can affect people in many different ways. It is important that Bipolar is treated consistently and appropriately to alleviate the symptoms and prevent people struggling with the illness from experiencing psychosis.
If you also have Bipolar or any other mental illness, please feel free to send me your experience via the contact form below, and one person will be selected to be interviewed for next weeks blog.
Thank you so much for being here. Please feel free to follow me on Instagram (@_thebword__) or get in touch via the contact form below.
Lots of love,
Tilly x
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Monday to Friday, 9.30 am to 4 pm)
Website: www.rethink.org
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk