I'll be really honest, recovery seems like a long way away for me. It's difficult with bipolar because when I'm hypomanic I may feel I have recovered and everything is fine, and when I'm depressed I feel like I'll never get better. Part of my recovery will be learning to accept this as part of my life and how it's going to be and the other part will be a lot of hard work from my end.
Without further ado, here's my recovery bucket list.
To be off my medication
Although I know there's potential I may need medication for the rest of my life, I am hopeful that I can work hard enough to make sure this isn't the case. I'm not entirely against medication as it has mitigated the severity of my condition quite drastically when it comes to how I feel on average. I am currently taking Duolextine (an antidepressant), Promethazine (for anxiety), and Aripiprazole (a mood stabiliser) and the three combined help me manage my symptoms. However, the downside of taking medication is feeling like I'm not myself. This is a huge thing for me as I struggle not to think that Bipolar takes up a big part of who I am right now, so having medication take away from the parts of me I feel are left is something I'd like to stop.
To complete therapy (again)
At this current moment in time, I've been told I'm not well enough for therapy. Over the next few weeks, I will be working with a support worker and mental health nurse to complete sessions around distress tolerance, anxiety management, and self-esteem to get me to a point where I am stronger and ready for therapy. When I attended therapy in the past I came away from each session feeling more resilient, contained, and focused on getting better. It's been over six months since my last session and I can definitely feel the gap where therapy used to be. I found therapy more helpful than any medication as it gave me insight into my own mind and guided me towards developing as a human being and being a better person. Although I am keen to start therapy again, I can't wait to not need it in my life.
To spend time with my friends and family again
I have spent time with my family and friends (pre-COVID) as I normally would, however, it's much less frequent and I often come away feeling extremely overwhelmed. I can't wait to be able to see my friends and family and feel like I'm not a burden to them. I can't wait to have fun nights out and not become overwhelmed with anxiety. I can't wait to have the right headspace to allow me to water my friendships consistently and watch them bloom.
To Travel
Before my mental health took a nosedive, I traveled independently to Prague. It was one of the most incredible experiences I've ever had. I'd never been a fan of flying, but flying alone felt empowering. I'm too anxious to experience things alone so exploring a completely new city away from home independently was exhilarating. The whole trip helped me realise my capabilities and allowed me to grow. I can't wait to be stable enough to travel alone or with friends again.
To feel normal again
I've spent a long time invested in my mental health and getting better, and this can take away from the day to day life of a 25-year-old. My mental health has to come first, above all else. If I don't put my mental health first I can deteriorate and have to start the whole process again. I'm excited to wake up and not have to take tablets or overcome a heavy head full of negative thoughts and feelings about the day ahead. I look forward to focusing on my life wholeheartedly without questioning if I'm putting myself in jeopardy.
To move out
I currently live with my mum which is wonderful. She helps me out so much and always checks in with me. She helps me when it comes to important phone calls/tasks that I need to complete to move forward in my recovery. She is a dream. However, I long to be able to live alone or with my partner. I can't wait to decorate my own home and create my own space that I can call my own. I know my mum is dreading the day I leave, but I can't wait for her to have her own space and not have to worry so much for me. I'm excited to own as many dogs as I like and spend my days exactly how I want to. I'm excited to be my own person in my own house.
To own a successful blog/community space
This is something I have already started to manifest and work towards. It's so important to me that I have a place to share my experiences with other like-minded folk and create a community where these people feel they can express themselves freely without judgment. At the beginning of my mental health journey to now, I haven't found a mental health blog that talks about Bipolar Type 2 or the struggles that come along with it. When I search about it I'm directed to professional sites that are cold and abrupt. I'd love to be a blog space where people can come to feel less alone and for that to happen my blog must grow to reach further afield. The work I put in now will help me reach this goal, and when I have recovered from this I will be able to help others in a completely new way.
All in all, I just can't wait to be me again. A new me, with lots more to give and teach. A me that is so much more than my mental health. This is what I'm working towards, and writing this blog post has been extremely cathartic. It's a reminder that this is all within my grasp, I just have to keep going and so do you.
I now task you with writing your own recovery bucket list, in whichever form you chose. The sky is the limit!
Thank you so much for being here. Please feel free to follow me on Instagram (@_thebword__) or get in touch via the contact form below.
Lots of love,
Tilly x
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Monday to Friday, 9.30 am to 4 pm)
Website: www.rethink.org
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone:Â 116 123Â (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk