Since my diagnosis, I've found that I'm struggling to understand who I am without Bipolar. I have to think about my illness to manage it well however it's hard to find a balance and I find myself overthinking it. I'm constantly analysing my feelings/thoughts and behaviour to better understand it, and over time this has left me feeling like I'm losing my identity.
I realise I can't be defined by my mental illness, and that's why I've taken the time to create this post to help you and me get to know the me behind bipolar. I am...
A Carer
This is something I have always loved to do and have a natural urge to do. I chose a career in care, working as both a mental health support worker for nearly four years and a learning support assistant for young people with learning disabilities for just under one. Both jobs are challenging but they allow me to care for people in ways that will help these young people in their future - which means a lot to me.
I also have a knack for 'rescuing' animals that don't need to be rescued. For example, I once 'stole' a greyhound puppy from an industrial estate when I was younger not realising he was actually being trained as a security dog at the time. I thought he was being starved (due to a greyhounds body shape) and without realising the breed or why he was all alone I took him home, only for his owner to come looking for him afterwards... my bad.
Sometimes I care too much, which is something I'm working on. Despite being a caring person, I need to make sure I put myself and my wellbeing first before trying to help anybody else. My boyfriend always says 'you can't help people onto your boat if your boat is sinking.'
A daughter
I am so blessed to have an incredible relationship with my mum. We've been through so much together, and before either of us were aware of my illness, we have had our ups and downs. My mum has now taken the time to understand my illness and how it impacts me. She helps me to organise medications and is my advocate through and through. She checks in on me multiple times a day to make sure I'm doing okay and if I'm not she does everything in her power to try and make me feel better. I really don't know what I'd do without my mum, she's my rock and my hero.
As a daughter, I'm there for my mum too. I'm a pain in the arse a lot of the time, and I drive her up the wall but I love her unconditionally.
Unfortunately, I have no contact with my biological father, however, I have a stepdad who I absolutely adore.
A sister
I have a brother, who is currently living in Canada. My brother is one of the coolest people I know and I have always looked up to him. We've been through an awful lot together and when my Dad left my brother took it upon himself to become the man of the house. Although he's younger than me he's always the one who makes me feel safe when he's around. He's such a special person in every way and is one of the hardest workers I know. I am proud to be his sister.
A friend
I don't have a lot of friends, because I like to keep my circle very small with people I can trust. These few friends mean the world to me. As a friend, I won't lie, I suck. I'm rubbish at getting back to people or making plans as I'm withdrawn a lot of the time, but when I'm not I love to fill my time by seeing my friends and making the most of their company. I am so lucky for the friends I have, as they've all been so understanding and supportive of my mental health struggles. I love nothing more than being there for them and helping them with their own mental health issues.
A driver
This is something I can sometimes take for granted but this makes my life so much easier. I'm able to get from A to B smoothly and I don't have to get onto public transport (which gives me anxiety). It took me three times to pass my driving test, and in my first test, I failed in the first 30 seconds! I had just started a new job, and moved home and was traveling for almost six hours via public transport to and from work every day. It was exhausting. Now I'm really grateful for passing my test and that I am able to own a car. I've worked hard, and sometimes I forget to see how it's paid off.
A wine lover
In the past, I was very close to having an alcohol problem. I was drinking at least one bottle of wine a day to try and numb the pain I was feeling. It took time, but I eventually stopped drinking excessively and now I can just enjoy a nice glass/bottle of wine every now and then. Up until just now, I forgot that this had been such a huge issue for me, especially whilst working through it, so I'm very proud of myself for getting to where I am today.
A singer
Singing is something I have loved since I can remember. I've grown up singing my favourite songs, once competing and performing at the o2 arena in London. I went to a music college (the best two years of my life to date) and I stayed on to study a higher national diploma in music. Now I find so much peace writing music and recording in my mini studio at home. I love harmonies - they're my favorite thing to play around with and my favourite singers include; Ariana Grande, Billie Eillish and Giveon.
A blogger
This is a new title but one I'm extremely proud of. I've wanted to start a blog for the longest time and now I have over 200 followers on my Instagram account (@_thebword). The reason the amount of followers I have makes me so proud is that I really wanted to start a community with my Instagram account for other people who are struggling with their mental health - and the amount of messages I have had from people seeking or offering support has been amazing and more than I could have wished for.
I love that I have a place to share my experiences with you guys, to help you feel less alone. I'm so grateful to each and every one of you reading this post, you'll never know how much it means to me.
I hope this post has helped you see all of the things you are without your mental illness. It's okay to embrace it, but you can't let it take over and define you. Your mental illness is not who you are.
Thank you so much for being here. Please feel free to follow me on Instagram (@_thebword__) or get in touch via the contact form below.
Lots of love,
Tilly x
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Monday to Friday, 9.30 am to 4 pm)
Website: www.rethink.org
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
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