My diagnosis came in august 2019 and I was so relieved. Yes, relieved and I'll tell you for why. At this point, I had spent over 2 years dealing with severe depressive and (fun) hypomanic episodes that I couldn't ignore, fighting for my doctor to take my concerns seriously. This was difficult given that talking about it brought me a whole mix of negative emotions and I no longer had the will to live. Trying to advocate for myself, with this in mind, was exhausting.
Prior to this I'd spent my teenage years self harming, internalising the trauma I had experienced growing up and masking my (undiagnosed and unmedicated) Bipolar. I was alone. The people closest to me had no idea what i was going through, and to some extent neither did I. I'd gotten so good at pretending that when I finally went to therapy, at the age of 24, a lot of the work I did was about removing that mask that had become such a big part of me.
So, when I finally visited a private psychiatrist and was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 and traits of Borderline Personality Disorder I was very much relieved. I was sure what it was I was battling against and I could finally plan a way forward, albeit with the Bipolar label on my backpack.
This is where the story changes, mi amigos. Here's what I have learnt since being diagnosed with Bipolar:
"I am not my Bipolar"
Bipolar is a mental illness and research suggests that around 5% of us are on the bipolar spectrum. We don't know exactly what causes bipolar disorder, but some causes include:
a chemical imbalance in the brain
genetics
triggers (a breakup, the death of a loved one, abuse etc)
There are two types of Bipolar, Bipolar type 1 and Bipolar type 2. I am type 2 which means I experience depression and hypomania as opposed to its big sister mania.
It took me a while to get my head around my illness and how it affects me, but one major thing I have learnt along the way is that I am not my Bipolar. Bipolar can cause me to behave in ways that are sometimes negative. For a long time I felt I was less of a person because of these behaviours, but I've since learnt that the way I feel about the behaviour is who I am, not the behaviour itself. For example, if I told you I'd spent three days in bed, hadn't showered, hadn't tidied my bedroom, you could assume I am a lazy person, however that behaviour is brought on by depression. Bipolar is an illness and I have to treat it as such to remind myself that sometimes how I act is due to me being unwell. It also reminds me that it is treatable (not curable) and can't control my life unless I let it.
"Everybody is fighting their own battle - be kind"
Since my diagnosis, I have become much more open about my own mental health. When I am having an off day I now have the strength to tell those around me that I am struggling, and this often sparks a conversation about their own struggles. Statistics show that 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem every year. If you put this into perspective using your place of work, or even your household 1 in 4 is a huge number.
The problem with mental health issues is that we can't see them. We don't wrap bandages around our head like we would a broken arm and this means many people suffer in silence. My way of dealing with this is treating everybody as if they're struggling with their own mental health, offering patience, compassion and most of all kindness.
"Talking is everything"
Talking about my mental health issues was the catalyst for my road to recovery but talking can also be terrifying. To talk about the deepest darkest corners of your mind means you have to be vulnerable and this can be really difficult. My advice to anybody suffering in silence is to start small with a person of your choice, somebody you feel you can trust. I have consistently been shocked by people's reaction to my diagnosis. My friends have embraced me and they're proud of me. My family and my partner have taken the time to understand and support me and love me just the same. Your words weigh less when they're out in the open and not swimming around in your head. People listening can help you feel seen and heard when you feel alone.
To summarise; people cannot be defined by their mental illness, people can and should be kinder and we have to talk about our struggles - a problem shared is a problem halved.
Thank you for reading my first, of many blog posts. Please feel free to follow me on social media (@_thebword__) or subscribe so you don't miss any of my blog posts.
Tilly x
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 4pm)
Website: www.rethink.org
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
References:
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